Marriage Maintenance

Many people rarely think about improving their marriage unless it is in trouble. “People get so caught up in careers, raising kids and satisfying their own souls,” says Gloria Richfield, co-author of Together Forever, “that they forget their marriage needs to be fed too.” Over the years that I have been involved in marriage education and enrichment ministries, I have observed that people take care of their marriages in ways similar to caring for their cars and trucks.

Preventive Maintenance – Like those who zealously perform the preventive maintenance rituals upon their cars, there are couples who focus creative energy on their marriage as a means of preventing trouble. A husband once told me that for 30 years he had made sure that his automobile’s oil was changed regularly, the tire pressure kept at factory specifications, and various fluid levels maintained according to the owner’s manual. However, it was not until after attending one of our marriage seminars that he realized he had neglected to keep his marriage running smoothly through regular check-ups. Couples who take this path will have intentional discussions about how their marriage is going, read books together on how to improve communication, spend time having fun, and attend marriage conferences and classes.

Warning Ticket – One night I was stopped in my car by a police officer because a headlight and the license plate light in the rear were burned out.  He gave me a warning ticket that stated I had a certain amount of time to correct the problem. I hoped to be able to make it home without being stopped again. No such luck! About 5 miles from the first stop and in a different town the now-familiar flashing lights rolled up behind me.  When I showed the officer the warning ticket from the other town he laughed and said, “Must be a slow night.” As I drove away I wondered why I had not asked him to call ahead to the next town I would pass through and let them know I had already been warned – not once, but twice. I made it home and took steps to repair the broken lights before the next nightfall.

Some people don’t take the time to invest considerable energy in marital preventive maintenance. It’s the old adage, “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.” They just keep going about their own agendas until something happens to get their attention. It may be an argument that leads to abuse or a close call with sexual temptation or a health-related issue that causes one to refocus his or her priorities.  While not ideal, couples who wait until they are issued a warning ticket often will seek help. They will talk to a pastor or they will return to the positive patterns of relating or they will attend a marriage class to regain some footing.

Waiting to be Towed – Other people pay no attention to the preventive maintenance schedule of their cars, ignore the odd rumbling sounds coming from underneath, and are convinced they have an adequate fuel supply regardless of what the gauge reads. They often find themselves broken down by the side of the road or being towed into a service center. I’ve seen the same thing in marriage ministry. One spouse refuses to heed the warnings and lacks the motivation or interest in preventing trouble. The next thing you know they are being dragged into a counselor’s office or a marriage seminar as a means of repairing the problem. This is often costly, as it is when we neglect to take care of our cars. Years of neglect will require major changes in behavior and attitude.

You can save yourself a huge chunk of time and emotional energy trying to repair a big problem later on. A little preventive maintenance can make your marriage run smoother and be more fun in the years ahead.  Consider a few suggestions:

• Become your spouse’s biggest fan. Encourage him or her with your sincere words of appreciation and thankfulness on a daily basis.
• Carve out quantity time in your schedules to be together. Marital research tells us that anything that increases the amount of time a couple spends together will increase their level of marital satisfaction.
• Be kind to one another.  Small courtesies that were a regular part of the early years of marriage often fall by the wayside when other career and family demands come along.
• Become involved in a marriage class or couples Bible study that can help you keep your marriage fine-tuned. You may also want to attend a weekend marriage enrichment conference where you can spend significant time with each other talking about how to improve and protect the most important human relationship you have.

Cindi McMenamin (www.strengthforthesoul.com) suggests that you ask your spouse the following questions to help you set marriage enrichment goals for the coming year:

1. What did you most enjoy about our dating days?
2. What do you wish we could do as a couple that we rarely or no longer take the time to do?
3. What have you always wanted to do, as a couple, that we haven’t yet done?
4. Where would be the ideal getaway for you and I to go someday?
5. What, specifically, would you like to see us accomplish together in the next year?

Most married people will say that their marriage is important to them. The truth of that statement is seen in the care given to build a lasting marriage.