How are you doing?
I’ve been asked that question many times since Cindy’s unexpected death on February 19, 2018. It’s not an easy question to answer in this new and unwelcome season of my life. However, within a couple of days of Cindy’s death I crafted what has become my standard response: “I’m okay, but I’m not okay.”
I wake up every morning, get out of bed, and have my coffee. I’m okay.
I wake up every morning and realize Cindy is not here. I’m not okay.
I go places, see people, and enjoy getting out of the house. I’m okay.
I come home but Cindy is not there to ask me what I did, who I saw, and what we talked about. I’m not okay.
One day I spent several hours working around the yard, spreading mulch, mowing the lawn, and enjoying the sun and warm air. I’m okay.
Then I realize that my immediate neighbors who are outside will go back into their houses with their spouses. I’m not okay.
I spend time with my daughters, their husbands, and our grandchildren. We laugh. We play. We eat. I’m okay.
Then, I realize Cindy is not with us. I don’t get to hear her laughter or see her loving on our grandchildren. I’m not okay.
I preached my first sermon since Cindy’s death on May 6. I’m okay.
But she wasn’t there for me to look at as I spoke, looking for those small cues that would encourage me. Neither was she there in the car ride home to tell me what she thought about it. I’m not okay.
I stay up too late at night because I don’t like going to sleep without her next to me. I miss her more deeply than I ever imagined. I’m not okay.
I know she suffers no more. The disease that rob her of her physical health no longer has any power over her. She rests in the presence of God awaiting the Resurrection at the Second Coming of Jesus. I know that we are separated for just a short time and we will be together again. I’m okay.
God has been gracious to me in my sorrow and loss. The psalmist wrote, “When hard pressed, I cried to the Lord; he brought me into a spacious place” (Psalm 118:5). I’m doing my best to fully engage my grief while leaning on Jesus. And I’m grateful for the many prayers and kind words from friends. I’m okay.
This is a journey filled with things expected and unexpected, known and unknown. I will be okay. And at the same time not okay. But that’s okay.
Beautifully written, Willie. I’m sure many people on a similar journey will identify and share your feelings.
Good to hear from you.
Thank you, Esther, for your comment. I, too, hope it helps others. Blessings!
Thank you for your thoughts Willie.
Thank you, Shepard, for your comment. It’s nice to hear from you. Hope you and your family are doing well.
Beautiful &truefully written! I will share this with someone recently widowed 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻 Only our Lord can truly bring comfort I found when we lost our 22 year old grandson 4 years ago😓
Thank you, Peggy, for your comment. Our hope is certainly in Jesus! Blessings!
Awww, What a great writing. 🙏🙏🙏🙏
Thank you, Joyce, for your comment.
Dear Willy….
So “right on!”. I can identify with all the Okays and the Not Okays, since last Nov. when dear John “went home” to be with Jesus. I am so thankful for the 27 wonderful years the Lord gave me and John, to be a team and now I am so thankful to have dear Jesus hold my hand and walk with me, day by day. What would we ever do without Him?
Please know you are in my prayers for the Lord’s comfort and strength. God Bless you….
Lovingly in Jesus, Elaine BubarJebubar jebubar@gmail.com
Thank you, Elaine, for taking the time to comment. And thank you for the prayers. May you continue to walk in the grace and strength God gives you everyday.
Was sorry to read today Willie about Cindy’s passing. I can identify with EVERYTHING you said in OK/NOT OKAY. My beautiful wife Beverly of 35 years passed away in Jan. 2017 of leukemia after only being diagnosed 9 months earlier. It was and is still devastating. Beverly and I met you and Cindy on several different occasions when you were speaking at ABCCC and again at a church in Medway,MA. We always loved listening to your messages. I’ll pray for you and would ask that you keep me in your prayers too. Beverly and I were together for almost 40 years. She was only 62 when she passed and I was 60. I truly feel your pain. God will see us through I know but our lives are forever changed. My wife, like Cindy was a strong Christian and kept her faith until the very end. She was sent home on hospice care from Beth Israel Boston in Dec. 2016 and passed on a Fri. morning 1-27-17 in a hospital bed in our living room. She wanted to be home. I was able to hold her hand and kiss her as she took her last breath here and her first breath in heaven. God Bless You and your family Tim Haydon 69 Milliken Ave, #14 Franklin,MA 02038
Thank you, Tim, for your comments. I’m sorry to hear about Beverly. I, too, was able to be with Cindy as she took her last breath on earth. We are now part of a “club” that we don’t want to be in. However, we do not grieve as those who have no hope. Right? May God continue to be your comfort and guide in this season of your life.
Thank you for these words, Willie. And for permission to say “I’m not okay”. I don’t do well with verbalizing that very often. I smile and say “I’m ok” most of the time. Blessings to you.
Thank you, Lisa, for the comment. It really depends on the day and sometimes the moment for me. Blessings to you also.
Thank you for sharing your website thoughts. We were so glad we got to visit you last summer. I am blessed by the concept that I can be OK and not OK at the same time. As we approach our 59th wedding anniversary we realize that one of us is going to be in your situation, possibly sooner than we would like. We take courage from your sharing.
Hi Nancy! I, too, am glad for our afternoon visit last year. It’s one of my cherished memories. And thank you for your comments on my article. I have been learning so much in my journey of grief and just have to share it when it seems appropriate. May you and Dan continue to lean on the Lord and each other for comfort and courage.
Thank you for sharing,It helps me as I lost my Farther in law last July from cancer I loved him so much he was like a farther to me.Then I ended up losing three more family members by March of this year including my mom.That I was not real close too she passed away with out telling me that she had cancer.And that they were things that were left undone.Than you for letting me know that it’s okay to say okay or not.
I’m sorry for your loss, Stacey. That’s quite a lot to bear. I’m glad my article was helpful in your journey of grief. Blessings!