A big risk for chronic illness couples is that their marriage will become completely identified with the chronic illness. There is little joy individually or as a couple and life feels exceptionally burdensome.

No matter how severe the illness, you need to put some boundaries around it in order to experience any sense of normalcy. There are some simple things you can do to keep the illness in place and grow in intimacy with one another.

  1. Develop designated times for self-care, care-giving or discussing the illness and other times solely for fun activities and discussions not pertaining to the illness. This division of time, activities and discussions allows you to have a sense of mastery over the illness. It also enforces the conviction that you stand united against the encroachments of the disease.
  2. Designate certain areas of the home to be off-limits for illness related conversations. A good example would be not discussing the illness in the bedroom in order to preserve romance and physical intimacy.
  3. See the chronic illness as something external to your marriage. It’s important to recognize that the ill partner is not the illness. There is so much more to the ill spouse than their illness. Seeing the illness as something external to your marriage unites you in relationship to the disorder and then becomes something to be tackled together.
  4. Determine if and when professional care-giving is needed. There may come a time when symptoms become so severe that care needs to be shifted to a professional. It is not always possible or practical for the well spouse to provide care-giving for the ill partner. Both partners need to realize that sustaining intimacy depends on establishing realistic care-giving boundaries.
  5. Pursue time apart. It’s not always easy to strike the proper balance between togetherness and separateness, but it’s crucial to the health of any marriage. Both partners need time away on a regular basis to get refreshed. Time away could take the form of visiting with family or friends, seeing a movie, going shopping or fishing or merely sitting in a coffee shop with a good book and a cup of tea or coffee.