A Promise to Love

Love is so important to the marriage relationship that one would sacrifice prime rib for it.  At least that is the implication of Proverbs 15:17 – “Better a meal of vegetables where there is love than a fattened calf with hatred.”

Many are convinced that love is the glue that holds a marriage together.  Author Mike Mason suggests, “marriages which are dependent on love fall apart, or at best are in for a stormy time of it” (­The Mystery of Marriage­).  I think his opinion is based upon our typical association of love with emotions.  Love has been described as “a feeling you feel when you get a feeling you never felt before.”

What holds a marriage together when feelings are sparse?  It is our promise to love each other.  A promise made to love regardless of all changes and adversities, regardless of good times, bad times, wealth or poverty.  It is a sacrificial love that puts the needs of your mate above your own.

The promise to love is fulfilled by choosing to meet four basic needs.  The first is the need for attention.  Each of us wants to be noticed for who we are and for what we do.  One hurting wife said of her husband:  “He never notices my cooking, the way I look, how I try to keep the house for him.  He never pays attention to me.  He takes me for granted and I really don’t think I’m important to him.”  A husband who strayed said of his marriage:  “I had come to feel like no more than a piece of furniture.  I was nobody around my own home, nobody worth noticing, listening to, or loving.  I got fed up. Not long ago I walked right out the door.”

Take a moment to review those revealing thoughts.  What actions could you take in your marriage that meet your spouse’s need for attention?

My promise to love my wife moves me to satisfy her need for acceptance. Accepting her unconditionally accords her an awareness of her own individual value.

Early in our marriage, I wanted Cindy to sing duets with me.  However, she does not enjoy spotlight as much as I.  After attempting to coerce her to fulfill my fantasy, it became clear that I was communicating a rejection of her unique personhood.  Her gifts and abilities are more suited for other ministry areas.  Trying to remake her was an effort to meet my need — not hers.

Ira J. Tanner says, “Any attempt to move one’s mate in an effort to match them to our fantasies is arrogance on our part and an insult to them.  It divides, breeds anger, and causes even greater loneliness.”  That unconditional acceptance of your mate’s individual value is so important.  If you accept only in part, you can love only in part.

The need for affection is met by the promise to love.  The things that put the glow in the days of courtship and early marriage — touching, holding, hugging, and kissing — cannot be stashed away in the closet with all the old wedding announcements.  Some of us may think like the guy who said, “Why do you have to keep chasing the bus once you’ve caught it.”

Have you hugged your mate today?  This week? This month?!

Your spouse also has a need for admiration.  One’s emotional stability is enhanced or diminished by what others think of you.  One husband says, “Marriage invests each moment and action with significance.  Everything I do and say matters to someone else – my wife.”  Emotional nourishment comes from praise and compliments.  The Bible says:  “Death and life are in the power of the tongue”(Proverbs 18:21).

The challenge of your marital promise is to love when you do not feel like it.  As you choose to love, the feelings will be there.