Balancing Your Marriage and Parenting Roles

Nora Ephron writes, “When you have a baby, you set off an explosion in your marriage, and when the dust settles, your marriage is different; not worse, necessarily; but different.”

Being married with children certainly changes your life in many ways – both in being a blessing and a challenge. What are some of those unique challenges?

The physical challenges of caring for children lead to sleeplessness, fatigue, and extra work.

You have less adult interaction and less time together as a couple.

Decisions about finances and careers are influenced by your children’s priorities of schooling and security.

Your love life goes through changes. Some of you may even ask, “What love life?”

There is anxiety about wanting a perfect family but not getting it.

Unrealized expectations and dreams for your marriage and children can create bitterness and resentment.

The evidence is abundantly clear that children raised in happy, intact, and functional families, with parents who love each other, are more secure and better prepared for future roles in their own marriages. Even couples who argue and then make up demonstrate that life goes on and that love is not diminished in the face of disagreements and stress. A strong, healthy marriage helps shape our children’s future relationships as they learn to give and receive love, resolve conflicts, and communicate effectively.

Some couples may identify with the fellow who said that while he and his wife tried to do everything, they had forgotten the most important thing. They forgot to be married. In other words, everything else had priority over their relationship. Forgetting to be married can sabotage all your hopes and dreams for a healthy family.

It is very easy for the roles to blur between being a parent and being a spouse. A primary task is to safeguard your marriage by putting your spouse ahead of the children at appropriate times. Remember, marital happiness is important not only for you but also for your children.

While doing things as a family, many couples fail to set aside time on their busy calendars for themselves. It’s important to do fun things together as a couple. It keeps the relationship dynamic and relieves some of the stress brought on by parenting demands.

As our family grew, one of the critical things we did was control the family calendar. We monitored our activities to prevent overcommitment and maintain some semblance of life at home. Date nights were intentionally added to the family calendar, and babysitting money was allocated in the family budget. Occasionally, Cindy and I would go away by ourselves on an overnight trip not far from home. We also found it helpful to put the kids to bed at a decent hour regularly. Not only did they benefit from the rest and routine, but we also found time for each other in the evening.

Your marriage is a rich and personal resource for your children. As you focus on your children and all involved in raising them, don’t forget to be married. The words of the Apostle Paul seem appropriate: “So let’s not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up.” (Galatians 6:9, New Living Translation)